Confucious is sure right about that.   I have been helping Mom with her project for school, and I am learning that back in the days when fairy tales were first written, it took courage just to get out of bed in the morning.   Mom is in a class called “Folklore” at high-college, and it is very interesting.  I do not like most of her school work, because it is stuff like Statistics (which is boring old math) and Social Problems (which is studying about stuff nobody knows how to fix.)  But Folklore is different, because it is fairy tales and urban legends, and it’s lots of fun!

Folklore class has been more than just reading good stories; I have learned lots of interesting history.  “Hansel and Gretel” was one of Mom’s favorite stories when she was little, so she suggested that I reenact the story for my blog.  She even bought me my very own copy of Best-Loved Fairy Tales, so I could read all of the good stories.

My book was not nearly as good as Mom’s book for class, though.  Mom’s book told the stories differently.  The stories in her book were much scarier and better.  I learned all kinds of stuff doing research about Hansel and Gretel.  For example, I learned that a long time ago, it was not unusual for parents to abandon their kids.  (Kind of like the people who abandoned me to the flea market.)   And there was not a lot of food to eat, which is called a “famine.”  And people were starving so much they sometimes turned into “cannibals.”  Cannibals are people who eat other people, which is really icky, but you see it a lot in fairy tales.

Before I get started telling the story, I should probably introduce my “cast.”  (Those are the people who are in the play.)   I chose Matilda to play Gretel, because she has good braids.  Calvin Klein wanted to be Hansel, but since that was my part, he had to settle for being the dad.  I chose Dottie to be the stepmother, because she just looks like a creepy wicked stepmother.

Our Boston witch agreed to be the “special guest star.”  Here is my reenactment of “Hansel and Gretel” – The parts in italics are taken from my Best-Loved Fairy Tales and the rest of it is my own commentary.  I hope you like it!

Hansel and Gretel

There was once a woodcutter whose beloved wife died, leaving him to bring up two little children.  After a while, the woodcutter married again, but soon after that times became hard and there was often not enough to eat in the woodcutter’s cottage.  The new wife tried to make ends meet, but she soon became tired and sad.  One evening, when the children were in bed, she spoke to the woodcutter.  “We do not have enough food for all four of us.  Let’s take the children into the forest and leave them there.  Who knows, someone who will be able to take care of them better than we can may find them.” 

(This book tries to make the stepmother seem very nice and like she is looking out for the best interests of the children, but we are pretty sure that is not true, because in the other versions we have read she is just selfish and does not want to have to share food with the children.  And besides… look how creepy she looks up close.)

Okay.  Back to the story…. 

The woodcutter did not want to agree, but he could not think of another solution.  Meanwhile, the woodcutter’s children had been listening at the door.  “Don’t worry, Gretel,” said the little boy, whose name was Hansel.  “I know how we can find our way home again.”  The next day, the family went deep into the forest.  As they walked, Hansel dropped crumbs from the crust of bread that he had saved for his lunch, hoping to follow them back home again.

(I am starting to think that this whole family was not very smart.  Dad could not think of another solution besides abandoning his kids, when the easiest solution would have been to get rid of his evil mean wife, and then Hansel dropped bread crumbs to mark the path home… which was a bad idea, as you will soon see.)

The birds soon ate the crumbs (see?  I told you!) and when the children were left all alone in the forest, they were completely lost. 

So they climbed up a tree to see if they could spot a nice hotel they could stay in for the night.  (Okay.  That part didn’t really happen.  But it should have.  Because you can see all kinds of good stuff from up in a tree, and besides, climbing trees is fun.)

Hungry and afraid, Hansel and Gretel wandered through the trees.  Suddenly, they saw a wonderful sight!  A cottage made of candy and gingerbread!

But no sooner had the children munched into the house than a sharp voice shouted from the window, “Eat your fill, dear children, but you will pay for every bite. Ha, ha, ha!” 

(Here is where there should be lots of applause for our special guest star…)

Before they knew what was happening, the children were bundled into the house by the witch who lived there.  “You will work for me, sweetheart,” she said to Gretel, “but your dear brother will be a tasty dinner when he is a little fatter.”  Every day, the witch asked Hansel to poke his finger out of the cage where she kept him, so that she could see if he was fat enough to eat, but Hansel held out a chicken bone to make her think that he was still just skin and bones himself.

(Just so you know, no chickens died in the filming of this blog post.  We did not have any chicken bones, so I just used a stick instead.  The special-guest-star is nearly blind and did not know the difference.)

At last the day came when the witch could wait no longer.  “Stoke up the fire, sweetheart,” she said to Gretel, “and put your head in the oven to see if it is hot enough.”  But Gretel did not trust the old witch.  “I don’t know,” she said, “You’d better check yourself.”  No sooner had the witch poked her head in the oven than Gretel gave her a huge push and slammed the door shut.

(Just so you know, no witches were hurt in the filming of this blog post either.   We did not want to make her mad, because we might need her to be a special guest star again someday.)

Gretel hurried to free Hansel.  Gathering up the witch’s treasures the children ran from the house, but did not know which way to turn.  “Oh look,” said Hansel, suddenly, “It’s one of the little birds that ate my crumbs.  She is going to show us the way.” 

The woodcutter could hardly believe his eyes when he saw his children returning.  His wife had left and he was all alone.  When he saw the treasure that Hansel and Gretel had taken from the witch’s house, the woodcutter laughed.  “This will make us comfortable for the rest of our lives,” he said.  “But you two are my real treasure and I will never lose you again.”

The End!

We had a very good time reenacting “Hansel and Gretel,” and I hope we get to do some more stuff like this soon.   I learned several other things about fairy tales while I was studying about Hansel and Gretel.  For example, I learned that in fairy tales, brothers and sisters usually cooperate and help each other, which is very nice.  But sisters usually compete with their sisters, and brothers usually compete with each other, too.

Mostly “Hansel and Gretel” is about teaching kids how to overcome obstacles and learn how to become grownups.   Those are good lessons to learn.

Now I am hungry.  I’m going to find a recipe for a gingerbread house.

Today’s Vocabulary Words:  Folklore, famine, cannibals, cast, special guest star,

Well, Confucious sure is right about that.  I got admired for my adventurous ways by a whole bunch of pirates a couple of weekends ago, and I actually get to blog about it!  In case you have been missing me, I have not been able to blog since last June.  That is when Mom decided to go back to high-college and started hogging the computer all the time.  When she is not using the computer, she is too tired to be Adult Supervision, so I have gone back to being a latchkey monkey, which is not much fun at all.  She has promised to let me help with one of her school projects coming up, though, so look for my blog post about it!

I have not gotten to blog since I talked about Mutt’s when they opened, but I have gotten to do some fun stuff.  A couple of weekends ago, Mom and Dad took me on a field trip to something called a “Renaissance Fair.”  That is where a bunch of kings and queens and princes and princesses and knights and gnomes and stuff all come to Norman, OK and spend the weekend in a big park.  I am not sure why they do this, but I am glad that they do, because otherwise, I would not have met the pirates.

When we got to the fair, it looked pretty much like an ordinary fair, except there were lots of people in funny costumes.  We walked for a very long time, and it was pretty hot outside.  I was starting to get bored, but then I noticed a great big black pirate ship!!

The ship was called, “The Seawolf.”  Mom said I could spend some of my quarters to check it out.  It only cost $2.00, which seemed like a bargain to me.

We had to wait in line for a while.  That is because everyone else wanted to see a real-live pirate ship, too.  After all, it’s not something you get to do every day.  I was really glad I wore my pirate hat so I could blend in.  Everybody else looked like a tourist.

The first thing that happened when I got up to the top of the pirate ship was that the captain thought I was the enemy!  It took a few minutes to convince him that I was only there to hang out with other pirates, and that I did not plan to steal his treasure, because I had my own.

He must have believed me, because he told me I could take a look around the ship.  I wandered off into a room called the “Captain’s cabin.”  This is where I found the treasure.  I could see why he was worried.  There was a fortune there!

I did not take any of the treasure.  I didn’t even touch it.  I had seen what happens to guys who take treasure on my way in to that room…

Next, I went down some stairs into a space called the “galley.”  This is where the pirates cook their dinner.  It is not very big.  I bet they probably eat a lot of stuff like macaroni and cheese or ramen noodles, because they are too busy doing fun pirate stuff to worry too much about cooking.

I was checking out the kitchen stuff when I got ambushed by another pirate!  He nearly cut my head off before I could convince him that I did not want to steal his Chef Boyardee.

When he figured out that I was not trying to steal anything, he said, “Sorry, dude.  My bad.”  I told him it was okay, but I decided to put some distance between me and him.  I went down some more stairs, and found some other pirate guys drinking something called “ale” and playing a game called “Liar’s Dice.”  They asked me to join them, and so I did.

It turns out that pirates don’t like it when you ask them to explain the rules of a game, and since I had never played Liar’s Dice before, I was not very good at it.  I wound up losing four of my quarters before I decided I had better move on while I still had some money.  I went into the next room, which had the scariest looking pirate of all!  He was in charge of the jail.  I was worried he might lock me up for being so bad at Liar’s Dice, but he turned out to be pretty nice.  He even had a teddy bear, and let me get a picture with his official pirate’s axe!

I am very glad I got to meet all these awesome pirates, and will definitely go back next year to see what they’ve been up to.  Even though I nearly got shot, nearly got my head cut off, and lost four of my quarters, the trip aboard The Seawolf was the best $2.00 I ever spent!

Today’s Vocabulary Words: Renaissance Fair, galley, ale, Liar’s Dice.

Confucious always gives good advice, so yesterday, I decided to take a trip with my friend Puglet to Mutt’s Amazing Hot Dogs. Mutt’s is a new restaurant that just opened yesterday here in Oklahoma City. It is owned by our friends Cally Johnson and Kathryn Mathis, who also own our favorite restaurant, Big Truck Tacos. We have been waiting and waiting, and we are so glad they are finally open!

I figured Mutt’s would be a great place to take Puglet, because he is a mutt himself.  Things were going great until Puglet saw the menu.  He got very worried when he saw that aside from some really tasty side orders, the menu mostly listed dogs, fixed all kinds of interesting and yummy ways.

I tried to explain to Puglet that these were not dogs like him, but it was too late.  Mom said she thought he had been “traumatized”.  I felt pretty bad for him, but I didn’t let that stop me from ordering.   I checked out the menu while Puglet rested.  The menu is fantastic!  They have everything from regular hot dogs to specialty hot dogs made out of stuff like lamb, bison, kobe beef and Spam!  They even have a breakfast link dog with scrambled eggs, which I plan to try next time I’m there. Here’s a link to their menu, if you want to see all the good stuff they serve at Mutt’s.

I went up to the counter to place my order, and they had some awesome salt and pepper shakers.  I was really glad that I left Puglet at the table though, because I think those might have traumatized him some more.

I ordered some fried pickles, chili-cheese fries, and a Long Island hot dog, which is a really long hot dog with spicy mustard and sauerkraut.  The food was even better than I had dreamed it would be!!

The food was absolutely delicious!!  The hot dog was super tasty, and the fried pickles and chili-cheese fries were the best I have ever had!  I could not eat my whole hot dog, so I had to get a to-go box for it.  When I got home, I was so full I could barely move.   I looked almost as traumatized as poor old Puglet.  Mom said she though I was suffering from a “hot-dog coma.”  If you have to have a coma, this is the best kind to have.

So, once again, it is time for one of my famous restaurant reviews!  Mutt’s Amazing Hot Dogs gets my highest rating – Five Twinkies!!! I am also awarding them eleven bonus Swedish fish for having such cool decor, fourteen bonus cheetos for the awesome hot dog shakers, and a whole bonus tub of buttercream frosting for putting up with Puglet and his drama!

I heart Mutt’s Amazing Hot Dogs!!!!  Even if Puglet doesn’t.  Good luck, my friends!!

Today’s Vocabulary Words: Traumatized, hot dog coma

That is a great fortune from Confucious! I hope I’ll bring joy to everyone just by finally getting to blog again! It has been a month and a half since I got to blog. That is because I have been dealing with monsters non-stop since Christmas. I asked Santa to bring me monsters. Mom told me to be careful what I wished for, and boy, was she right! Monsters are a full time job.

Santa brought me a nice new red sweater, monster stickers, monster stamps, and a whole package of monsters, witches, ghosts, and pumpkins. Mom said she thought Santa got a good deal on some Halloween clearance sales.

I spread all my monsters out on the floor to check them out. There were so many of them! They were on pretty good behavior the first day, but they have caused a lot of trouble around here since. And putting monsters back in the package is a lot harder than letting them out.

Last Friday was my birthday. We did not do a great big party like we did last year. We were too tired from dealing with monsters. I decided to have blueberry muffins instead of cake. Mom even let me make the muffins myself. Puglet and Blue Guy helped. And the monsters, of course.

If you want to make muffins, you will need: a box of muffin mix, milk, eggs, oil, a bowl, a muffin tin, and an oven. Monsters are “optional”. That means you don’t have to have them to make muffins.

My monsters kept wanting to play in the bowl, and threw three of Mom’s eggs at the cats before I could stop them. They behaved so badly that I put them in time out for the rest of the day. Me and Puglet and Blue Guy carried on without them, and had the muffins mixed up and ready for the oven in no time.

We did not have many visiting monkeys this year.  B.B. Bumpkin is our only out-of-town guest.  But my new pal Tildie got to attend my party, along with Blue Guy and Puglet.  Calvin Klein agreed to come, but only if we didn’t make him wear a party hat.

Everyone gathered around and sang “Happy Birthday” to me while I blew out my candle.

I got some great presents, too!  I got a whole package of cherry licorice, two packages of Chuckles, some Pop Rocks, and Bottle Caps.  And I got a personalized license plate for my squishy tractor!!

It was a great party, and we had a really good time.  And the best part of my birthday was what I didn’t get….  Monsters!!

Today’s Vocabulary Words: Optional

That is some good news from Confucious! I have been wondering how to make my heart known for a few weeks now.  I figured the best way to do it was a letter to Santa.

I have a great big platter of cookies ready for Santa. This year I am asking for something pretty important, so I want him to have an extra special treat when he gets here.

I also wrote him a letter. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Santa;

I hope you and Mrs. Claus are doing good.  This year, I would like to have monsters! Lots of them. They are fun!! I got a wee monster from the Art-o-Mat when Mom and Dad took me to Dallas. I have not gotten to blog about him yet, but this is what he looks like:

I have gotten to do Art-o-Mat three times so far, but only got a wee monster once. Mom said one wee monster is all I need, but as you can see, this one is very lonely.

I am asking you to bring me a bunch of monsters so this one will have friends. I have figured out that you are the go-to guy for stuff that Moms do not think you need. And I have been a very nice monkey this year, so I am hopeful that you will bring me some monsters. I promise to take very good care of them.

Love, Noah

P.S. I will be leaving extra-special cookies and a big glass of eggnog for you this year. Please do not let the monsters have any. It makes them sick, and Mom gets cranky when she has to clean up monster vomit.

I really, really  hope Santa read that last part.